http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-21473752
It is an article about a Kosovo war refugee making it good in New York city which is a nice story in itself, but the paragraph that struck me the most was:
A long overdue reunion made me think of the nearby Statue of Liberty and its famously inscribed assurance, the one that captures the raison d'etre not just of this city but of the entire United States of America: "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free."
And I thought to myself - "I am tired. I'm not poor, but I yearn to breathe free."
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| This image is taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Statue_of_Liberty_7.jpg. I do not own the rights to it. |
So thank you, America for letting me experience life on your shores. You may not be perfect and you may not yet have fully confronted the demons of your past, but it sure feels like you are trying. I hope one day my own nation could face up to the things they have inflicted on other peoples who show up at their shores.
13 comments:
That last bit about Singapore cracked me up. Still remember Aesop's fable of the goats which are domesticated and the mountain goats which the farmer tried to lure by treating them better than the domestic goats? The wild mountain goats ran away after they were fed, and after the snow, and when the farmer asked why, one of them replied, "If you treat other goats better than your own, when we become your goats and then some new goats come, wouldn't you do the same thing?" Sounds so deja vu......:p
Well, Chee Wai, you know that you can make the USA your home, if you set your mind to it, while the doors are still open there. The doors to Canada have been closed to me, but it does not mean I will go back to that country of my birth. I know it is strange to hear that from me who barely moved out around more than 4 to 5 years at the most(since 2006), but you will realize that when you set your mind to it, things do come true.
Oh believe me, I have my mind set on it. It is the path there that is unclear. I'd rather not suffer nor inflict unnecessary emotional pain moving forward unless I am forced to.
Guilt will forever be my Achilles Heel given my nature :).
Guilt hahaha? Well, why should you feel guilt? It's the best choice of my life leaving Singapore by the way, and I could feel like I am in fact breathing properly. I am sure that you probably feel the same way.
Guilt is a part of my psychological makeup, sadly :). I feel guilty for a lot of things, even stuff I should not be feeling guilty for.
Well, I think that feeling guilt for things we are not guilty of is probably socio-cultural baggage from conditioning. Once we undo that, then we can be free. Freedom is now my clarion call. :)
For me, it is a combination. Socio-cultural baggage is one factor. Thankfully neither of my parents placed such baggage on me, only Singapore society. The other factor is my tendency to (over?) empathize ... a lot. So, it is very natural for me to feel a sense of guilt whenever I see (or imagine) pain and suffering inflicted.
The counter-weight is anger. If I feel betrayed or that my guilt had been abused, then yes ... those feelings go away quite quickly, but not without leaving me feeling just a little dirty.
Talking about that feeling of anger, it reminds me of the anger I harbored for years towards some people who used my feelings against me. These people were not good people to begin with, but they tried to make me believe they were. Seeing through them took me a while. But when one releases that anger, then one won't be bogged down by a deadened emotional weight.
The last part of the quote in your entry “yearn to breathe free” reminds me of something by the way. I remembered telling a friend back in Singapore years back, that when in Singapore, I could not breathe freely. I liken the feeling to that of a hand grabbing my throat and then shaking my whole body violently via my throat. It dawned on me yesterday after thinking about some things that I am actually able to breathe freely after I left Singapore. You will be fine. Trust me about that.
Well, sadly, I'm still feeling the effects from all the way out here. It is stifling.
This could be related to conditioning too. A former Singaporean friend of mine back in Calgary(he's now Canadian) always looks back to the Singapore of the 80's with a lot of nostalgia as if it was some form of 'goold old days' Singapore, although he knows that this is a created picture inside his mind. He does not exactly understand why I dislike Singapore per se in terms of the social environment and so on, but that said, he knows he cannot go back because his wife is Portugese and his son is born in Calgary, Canada(they would not fit in with that society if they go back there). Admitting that going back will not change things while having a nostalgic picture which one cannot totally forget is part of the whole thing he goes through.
I think it might be because you also associate yourself with it in a way by identifying yourself as a Singaporean conscientiously at times?? I am not sure myself. I think it is normal to feel anger, and the sense that the country is stifling from afar, but it is the way it is going and will go down for the next few years and probably even decade to come. I have learnt to let it go and accept that it is not my battle to fight anymore, over there do not care enough to do anything, I think that people like us who have left will not be able to do anything at all. Yes, my stand is a form of social 'divorce' (as in, cutting off). That is why when someone asks me if I speak Singlish, or whether I can give them any advice about what place to go to in Singapore, "I say, "Nothing. I have nothing to offer you about that place, since I left the country and have settled down elsewhere." " Nice and curt. If the person reacts adversely and says that I am denying my roots (there are some who do that), well, my response is, common. I move on. If they can accept it, they can at least be my friends. Call it the mean boy in me lol. :p
Sorry, in my fast typing speed, I actually made a mistake. I meant that "If people who are living there over there do not care enough to do anything, I think that people like us who have left will not be able to do anything at all."
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